Michael Showalter's Ten Commandments...

...for making a great sandwich!


Above is the introduction for the Ten Commandments.

1. Bread is king. Bread is to sandwich what song is to band. Bread is to sandwich what shoe is to foot. Bread is to sandwich is what love is to life. Bread is king.

2. Mustard goes with everything. If you have two pieces of bread, mustard and anything else, you have a delicious sandwich. If anybody tells you it's the same thing as mayonnaise you can tell that person they are a liar and a fake and a fucking asshole because mustard goes with everything!

3. Nothing is off limits and everything is in play.

4. Toast it. Toast it. Toast the thing. Toast the motherfucking thing.

5. Pickle.

6. Sun dried tomatoes are total bullshit! When I said nothing is off limits and everything was in play I was not referring to sun dried tomatoes because sun dried tomatoes are off limits. (He went on to say they are shit and if he wanted to eat shit he'd go to the shit store.)

7. What is the missing link? You've made your sandwich, you've taking a bite - (to audience member) no it's rhetorical, you fuckin' dick. It's for you to decide. You need to be there in the moment. You've made your sandwich, you've taken a bite, something's missing, what is it? Start with mustard! Go down from there. Does it need more mustard? Ask questions of your sandwich. Settle for nothing less than perfect because you have an opportunity with your sandwich to make something that will last forever! No fucking one slice of cheese, one slice of bologna, suck it, fuck it - no! You have an opportunity to make something that will last for an eternity! Find the missing link!

8. (There is no number eight)

9. Have fun. Really, have fun. Have fun making your sandwich. Yeah, have fun! Because if making a sandwich isn't fun, then make something else, because making a sandwich is fucking fun! So if you can't have fun making a sandwich then make something fucking else!

10. I stopped recording after nine but I'm sure ten had something to do with mustard. Though, like number 8, I don't think there was a number 10. Really just the Eight Commandments of making a great sandwich.

I love him. And I love sandwiches.